I didn't plan to post until a week after the last one, and it was probably going to be about that something I wanted to get done. Where did I get the idea for writing up a post once every four days? A few memories came up the other day and I decided to look back on them.
My "solution" to many problems is to look the other way. If I'm not dealing with it then there's no cause for contention. A rather poor one-sided fix because the world is always moving on, but that's my selfish force of habit for feeling secure.
Does not playing with the neighborhood kids count? This one was easy because my mother would always answer the door, never asking me to do the same. I can't say I feel regretful over what could have been; the life I know right now is the only one I'm certain of. But...between interacting with people and no interactions at all I'd say the former is the better overall choice. This is also the same way I cut off interactions with my last friend when I was 14. I showed up months later for his birthday when he asked (through my mother), and we talked like normal. It didn't feel right for me to be around after all this time, however, and I excused myself before they served the cake and pizza. He moved away shortly after.
I took an Oral Communication class in 7th grade for reasons I don't recall. The first impression was pretty bad because there's half an hour in the beginning of the period to read a book you brought, but I didn't have one the first (or second) day. Took a zero right there and sat at my desk with nothing else to do but mull over my failure. I remember being fixated with one of the many posters on the wall. It was a sort of ladder chart from 0 - 100% with a message between every rung. The messages read starting from the top: I did (100%), I will (90%), I can (80%), I think I can (70%), I might (60%), I think I might (50%). . . I can't (10%), I won't (0%). The ones in between were something like "I don't know how" or "Where do I start?" Overly moping at that age already, huh? I've just reminded myself of it.
This is when I stumbled upon the Chicken Soup for the Soul books, and boy did I love them. Was it more for the tragic scenes than the redemption in the end? We weren't bringing our own books for the sake of it; we'd have to choose a selection and read for three to five minutes, right there in front of the class. I choked up during my first time and the teacher brought me out of the room. A kindhearted lady, by the way. She had a talk with one of the students who spoke up while I was frozen in speech ("Is he crying?") and he apologized to me in person some other time out of class. I didn't mind what he said because I was already moved to tears so it's not like his question served as a catalyst. A brilliant if outspoken and cynical student, too. I held a lot of respect for him but I don't think I ever expressed it entirely.
Things became a lot easier when the classroom and its students felt more familiar. That and when you realize they really don't pay attention to you. I can care a lot less about running into someone's eyes when looking up and just make eye contact with the teacher. The stories were interesting so I had no issues with keeping my eyes glued to the page for too long.
Fast forward to 8th grade and I take the second part of the course as my elective, same teacher. I'm one of her favorites now and I'm still reading from Chicken Soup for the Soul books for my speeches. At the end of the school year there was a speaking event. Naturally, I signed up for it after hearing about it from the teacher (because I keep my head down otherwise and miss everything going on outside of class). Great, a speaking event. In the auditorium, in front of a panel of judges whom the teacher was a part of and a bunch of other adults. And 6th and 7th grade classes.
I'm all dressed up and my mother drops me off before she goes searching for parking. I approach the auditorium and take a look inside from one of the side doors. I see one of the students already speaking. I look to the left and see the audience, and that was it. I didn't go in. I head over to the nearby bathroom and stand there in a closed stall. Thinking, passing the time. Was it for 45 minutes? Up to two hours, maybe? The lengths I'll go to for such things...
I eventually leave and call my mother after it's over. When we meet up I give some poor reason as to why I wasn't there for my presentation. I remember her sounding a little disappointed, and it didn't go any further than that. Not like I earned a poor grade in class, right? I just failed to show up for an extracurricular activity and let my teacher and mother down. I never met up with my teacher again.
So that other post where I mentioned abandoning World of Warcraft? Yeah, totally dropped everything at once. Although, is there really any other way of stopping something this than to quit cold turkey? I mean, yeah, there definitely is, but still. Maybe a formal farewell would suffice, but I didn't even do that. Just quit logging in, leaving my post as a guild tank and inconveniencing (maybe too light a word) everyone in the guild. Such an extremely irresponsible act. I'll talk about those days later (how much have I put off by now?).
Totally bought myself another week to work on that other thing.
2012-09-16
2012-09-11
Blog direction and a personal trait (and small promise).
First meta blog post too, hm?
Hit that point where I couldn't decide on what to write about next. There's plenty of fillers...dreams, past events, but there should be a balance between that and what goes on right now. I shouldn't say there's plenty; I'll run out of them before I know it. If I stuck to a post every four days it would probably last me only four or five months. Recent things have happened, yeah, but I wouldn't rank it as something worth talking about just yet. Or maybe that's exactly the sort of thing I should bring up.
Before starting the blog I read up on reasons for blogging, and that led into discussions about expanding and maintaining viewership for generating profit which I wanted no part of. "I know, I'll place this little disclaimer at the top saying I only blog for my own health! Then I won't carry the burden of attempting to generate good content to serve the readers." That's not true, though. If I didn't care I wouldn't be worrying over the frequency of my posts or what I choose to post about, or using Twitter to announce posts. It's like a diary I never had, and I read out each entry in front of a wall in an alleyway. Public, but not that wide out in the open.
I think I also saw blogging as a practice in dedication, a trait I'm very much lacking in. The hours invested in World of Warcraft and the Touhou series almost all stemmed from a lack of self-control, and it surfaced again recently. Wanting to outdo someone's run, various challenges...they're not bad things, but if I'm feeling guilty in the back of my mind over how I impulsively spend my time, whether or not I succeeded, then perhaps I should be holding back. Worse yet is when I play while not really wanting to because I felt bored, despite having other things I could be focusing on.
For the last several days I've been streaming whenever I do play, ranging from 40 minutes to two hours. Two hours in one sitting is usually the upper limit for me anyway, but I keep it to that single session for the day rather than returning to it for more. There's also those common experiences I hear about in general when it comes to good runs appearing early, and then it's a lot of restarts until a slightly better one crops up way later, maybe. After the first day or two of streaming I stayed focused on what I'd be playing for. I made a mistake once after that by following someone's request to play PCB Lunatic (I don't remember if I was asking for suggestions) which I regretted because there was really nothing to gain from it after being away for so long. Nah, perhaps it sounds selfish because there's the audience to think about, but really...not worth it at this stage.
Most recent undertaking is a silly no-miss/bomb/border break/focus PCB Normal/Reimu-B (plus scoring) run. Mental note to talk about the learning process in general in a future post.
So, yeah, I thought I had more to say about dedication, but not at this time it seems. To reinforce the idea I'm planning to do something I should (but don't) want to do and I should have a post for it...let's say two posts from now, given a post every four days schedule. Something like that. It remains to be seen if I can hold myself accountable and continue to do so.
Hit that point where I couldn't decide on what to write about next. There's plenty of fillers...dreams, past events, but there should be a balance between that and what goes on right now. I shouldn't say there's plenty; I'll run out of them before I know it. If I stuck to a post every four days it would probably last me only four or five months. Recent things have happened, yeah, but I wouldn't rank it as something worth talking about just yet. Or maybe that's exactly the sort of thing I should bring up.
Before starting the blog I read up on reasons for blogging, and that led into discussions about expanding and maintaining viewership for generating profit which I wanted no part of. "I know, I'll place this little disclaimer at the top saying I only blog for my own health! Then I won't carry the burden of attempting to generate good content to serve the readers." That's not true, though. If I didn't care I wouldn't be worrying over the frequency of my posts or what I choose to post about, or using Twitter to announce posts. It's like a diary I never had, and I read out each entry in front of a wall in an alleyway. Public, but not that wide out in the open.
I think I also saw blogging as a practice in dedication, a trait I'm very much lacking in. The hours invested in World of Warcraft and the Touhou series almost all stemmed from a lack of self-control, and it surfaced again recently. Wanting to outdo someone's run, various challenges...they're not bad things, but if I'm feeling guilty in the back of my mind over how I impulsively spend my time, whether or not I succeeded, then perhaps I should be holding back. Worse yet is when I play while not really wanting to because I felt bored, despite having other things I could be focusing on.
For the last several days I've been streaming whenever I do play, ranging from 40 minutes to two hours. Two hours in one sitting is usually the upper limit for me anyway, but I keep it to that single session for the day rather than returning to it for more. There's also those common experiences I hear about in general when it comes to good runs appearing early, and then it's a lot of restarts until a slightly better one crops up way later, maybe. After the first day or two of streaming I stayed focused on what I'd be playing for. I made a mistake once after that by following someone's request to play PCB Lunatic (I don't remember if I was asking for suggestions) which I regretted because there was really nothing to gain from it after being away for so long. Nah, perhaps it sounds selfish because there's the audience to think about, but really...not worth it at this stage.
Most recent undertaking is a silly no-miss/bomb/border break/focus PCB Normal/Reimu-B (plus scoring) run. Mental note to talk about the learning process in general in a future post.
So, yeah, I thought I had more to say about dedication, but not at this time it seems. To reinforce the idea I'm planning to do something I should (but don't) want to do and I should have a post for it...let's say two posts from now, given a post every four days schedule. Something like that. It remains to be seen if I can hold myself accountable and continue to do so.
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