I didn't plan to post until a week after the last one, and it was probably going to be about that something I wanted to get done. Where did I get the idea for writing up a post once every four days? A few memories came up the other day and I decided to look back on them.
My "solution" to many problems is to look the other way. If I'm not dealing with it then there's no cause for contention. A rather poor one-sided fix because the world is always moving on, but that's my selfish force of habit for feeling secure.
Does not playing with the neighborhood kids count? This one was easy because my mother would always answer the door, never asking me to do the same. I can't say I feel regretful over what could have been; the life I know right now is the only one I'm certain of. But...between interacting with people and no interactions at all I'd say the former is the better overall choice. This is also the same way I cut off interactions with my last friend when I was 14. I showed up months later for his birthday when he asked (through my mother), and we talked like normal. It didn't feel right for me to be around after all this time, however, and I excused myself before they served the cake and pizza. He moved away shortly after.
I took an Oral Communication class in 7th grade for reasons I don't recall. The first impression was pretty bad because there's half an hour in the beginning of the period to read a book you brought, but I didn't have one the first (or second) day. Took a zero right there and sat at my desk with nothing else to do but mull over my failure. I remember being fixated with one of the many posters on the wall. It was a sort of ladder chart from 0 - 100% with a message between every rung. The messages read starting from the top: I did (100%), I will (90%), I can (80%), I think I can (70%), I might (60%), I think I might (50%). . . I can't (10%), I won't (0%). The ones in between were something like "I don't know how" or "Where do I start?" Overly moping at that age already, huh? I've just reminded myself of it.
This is when I stumbled upon the Chicken Soup for the Soul books, and boy did I love them. Was it more for the tragic scenes than the redemption in the end? We weren't bringing our own books for the sake of it; we'd have to choose a selection and read for three to five minutes, right there in front of the class. I choked up during my first time and the teacher brought me out of the room. A kindhearted lady, by the way. She had a talk with one of the students who spoke up while I was frozen in speech ("Is he crying?") and he apologized to me in person some other time out of class. I didn't mind what he said because I was already moved to tears so it's not like his question served as a catalyst. A brilliant if outspoken and cynical student, too. I held a lot of respect for him but I don't think I ever expressed it entirely.
Things became a lot easier when the classroom and its students felt more familiar. That and when you realize they really don't pay attention to you. I can care a lot less about running into someone's eyes when looking up and just make eye contact with the teacher. The stories were interesting so I had no issues with keeping my eyes glued to the page for too long.
Fast forward to 8th grade and I take the second part of the course as my elective, same teacher. I'm one of her favorites now and I'm still reading from Chicken Soup for the Soul books for my speeches. At the end of the school year there was a speaking event. Naturally, I signed up for it after hearing about it from the teacher (because I keep my head down otherwise and miss everything going on outside of class). Great, a speaking event. In the auditorium, in front of a panel of judges whom the teacher was a part of and a bunch of other adults. And 6th and 7th grade classes.
I'm all dressed up and my mother drops me off before she goes searching for parking. I approach the auditorium and take a look inside from one of the side doors. I see one of the students already speaking. I look to the left and see the audience, and that was it. I didn't go in. I head over to the nearby bathroom and stand there in a closed stall. Thinking, passing the time. Was it for 45 minutes? Up to two hours, maybe? The lengths I'll go to for such things...
I eventually leave and call my mother after it's over. When we meet up I give some poor reason as to why I wasn't there for my presentation. I remember her sounding a little disappointed, and it didn't go any further than that. Not like I earned a poor grade in class, right? I just failed to show up for an extracurricular activity and let my teacher and mother down. I never met up with my teacher again.
So that other post where I mentioned abandoning World of Warcraft? Yeah, totally dropped everything at once. Although, is there really any other way of stopping something this than to quit cold turkey? I mean, yeah, there definitely is, but still. Maybe a formal farewell would suffice, but I didn't even do that. Just quit logging in, leaving my post as a guild tank and inconveniencing (maybe too light a word) everyone in the guild. Such an extremely irresponsible act. I'll talk about those days later (how much have I put off by now?).
Totally bought myself another week to work on that other thing.
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