On Running Away from Situations

I didn't plan to post until a week after the last one, and it was probably going to be about that something I wanted to get done.  Where did I get the idea for writing up a post once every four days?  A few memories came up the other day and I decided to look back on them.

My "solution" to many problems is to look the other way.  If I'm not dealing with it then there's no cause for contention.  A rather poor one-sided fix because the world is always moving on, but that's my selfish force of habit for feeling secure.

Does not playing with the neighborhood kids count?  This one was easy because my mother would always answer the door, never asking me to do the same.  I can't say I feel regretful over what could have been; the life I know right now is the only one I'm certain of.  But...between interacting with people and no interactions at all I'd say the former is the better overall choice.  This is also the same way I cut off interactions with my last friend when I was 14.  I showed up months later for his birthday when he asked (through my mother), and we talked like normal.  It didn't feel right for me to be around after all this time, however, and I excused myself before they served the cake and pizza.  He moved away shortly after.

I took an Oral Communication class in 7th grade for reasons I don't recall.  The first impression was pretty bad because there's half an hour in the beginning of the period to read a book you brought, but I didn't have one the first (or second) day.  Took a zero right there and sat at my desk with nothing else to do but mull over my failure.  I remember being fixated with one of the many posters on the wall.  It was a sort of ladder chart from 0 - 100% with a message between every rung.  The messages read starting from the top: I did (100%), I will (90%), I can (80%), I think I can (70%), I might (60%), I think I might (50%). . . I can't (10%), I won't (0%).  The ones in between were something like "I don't know how" or "Where do I start?"  Overly moping at that age already, huh?  I've just reminded myself of it.

This is when I stumbled upon the Chicken Soup for the Soul books, and boy did I love them.  Was it more for the tragic scenes than the redemption in the end?  We weren't bringing our own books for the sake of it; we'd have to choose a selection and read for three to five minutes, right there in front of the class.  I choked up during my first time and the teacher brought me out of the room.  A kindhearted lady, by the way.  She had a talk with one of the students who spoke up while I was frozen in speech ("Is he crying?") and he apologized to me in person some other time out of class.  I didn't mind what he said because I was already moved to tears so it's not like his question served as a catalyst.  A brilliant if outspoken and cynical student, too.  I held a lot of respect for him but I don't think I ever expressed it entirely.

Things became a lot easier when the classroom and its students felt more familiar.  That and when you realize they really don't pay attention to you.  I can care a lot less about running into someone's eyes when looking up and just make eye contact with the teacher.  The stories were interesting so I had no issues with keeping my eyes glued to the page for too long.

Fast forward to 8th grade and I take the second part of the course as my elective, same teacher.  I'm one of her favorites now and I'm still reading from Chicken Soup for the Soul books for my speeches.  At the end of the school year there was a speaking event.  Naturally, I signed up for it after hearing about it from the teacher (because I keep my head down otherwise and miss everything going on outside of class).  Great, a speaking event.  In the auditorium, in front of a panel of judges whom the teacher was a part of and a bunch of other adults.  And 6th and 7th grade classes.

I'm all dressed up and my mother drops me off before she goes searching for parking.  I approach the auditorium and take a look inside from one of the side doors.  I see one of the students already speaking.  I look to the left and see the audience, and that was it.  I didn't go in.  I head over to the nearby bathroom and stand there in a closed stall.  Thinking, passing the time.  Was it for 45 minutes?  Up to two hours, maybe?  The lengths I'll go to for such things...

I eventually leave and call my mother after it's over.  When we meet up I give some poor reason as to why I wasn't there for my presentation.  I remember her sounding a little disappointed, and it didn't go any further than that.  Not like I earned a poor grade in class, right?  I just failed to show up for an extracurricular activity and let my teacher and mother down.  I never met up with my teacher again.


So that other post where I mentioned abandoning World of Warcraft?  Yeah, totally dropped everything at once.  Although, is there really any other way of stopping something this than to quit cold turkey?  I mean, yeah, there definitely is, but still.  Maybe a formal farewell would suffice, but I didn't even do that.  Just quit logging in, leaving my post as a guild tank and inconveniencing (maybe too light a word) everyone in the guild.  Such an extremely irresponsible act.  I'll talk about those days later (how much have I put off by now?).     

Totally bought myself another week to work on that other thing.

Dream Log (2011/12/18 - 21): School Locker Room

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 2011/12/18 - 21 (one of those nights)

Located in a middle or high school which had this prestigious feeling about it.  I was in a locker room with other students and we were preparing for an event in the gymnasium. Both boys and girls were in the room, but it was really huge so you'd have to walk a bit and go around a corner before seeing the others. I guess they were almost all 11-13 with a few boys slightly older than that. I was about the same age as the older boys, maybe older.

I walked to the entrance to the gymnasium which went through the girl's section of the locker room. A female supervisor was there. No exchange of words or anything; I just took notice of her presence. Aside from that I kept my head down but glanced up once. The girls were around a bench wearing white shirts and jeans. As I exited I stood near the end of the hall before it completely opened up to the gym floor. The low ceiling was also gone near the end. People were already performing out there.

There must have been some confusion...three girls from the locker room walk by me naked but stop before they're really out in the open.  I see them by accident but quickly avert my gaze to stare off in the distance like I'm contemplating something else, like I didn't care. Mainly to put on a show to the people out on the floor and maybe in the bleachers, the ones who could see me. It felt nice to be (act like) a modest, upstanding person. I head back inside and glance over every now and then. No one seems to be clothed anymore, or partially at the very least (but it still left some parts completely exposed).

Dream ended shortly after.

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There's that feeling you get when you see someone. It really touches or warms your heart to see that person.  I had that feeling when I saw those three girls (I think they all looked the same) even though I can't really visualize them, and maybe I'll never be able to. It's an ideal.

I wasn't sad over the dream finishing off like that, but it did leave me feeling sad in a different way.  You know, because I should expect it to never happen (meeting someone like that).  And I put on the same appearance in that dream as I would in life.  Never trying to interact.  It's just reinforcing what I've always thought.

It left me longing after waking up, but that's over soon enough. Until something similar happens next time, whenever, in a dream or outside.


Oh, I forgot I was looking for an image.

It was the best one I could find after a few minutes of searching.  That's pretty much what it looked like where I stood, but indoors.  And a smaller field and laminated flooring.

First and Last School Dance

During the 7th grade I continued to live in an air force base.  I came to know two girls in the neighborhood who were friends for several years and counting.  The mother of one of them always shopped at JCPenney for her daughter and received an automatic 20% discount.

They convinced me to show up for the school dance since you didn't need a partner to enter.  It was held in the late afternoon in the cafeteria, and upon arrival I saw an area to the side with games and went straight there.  There were several projections on the wall, and I think it was running on the PS2.  I don't care much for realistic-looking racing games, but that's what they had so I played solo.  It wasn't bad at all, really.  They served pizza, but I only bought a drink and continued playing.  Club music was running.

This doesn't last more than half an hour.  Getting up to depart early I cut through the crowded dance floor and make a beeline for one of the two exits.  Suddenly, someone grabs my arm and I turn to face him.  There were two boys with one girl in the middle.  I can't recall if either of the boys were dressed, but the girl was.  Wearing black, maybe shimmering a little.  Straight, dark brown hair falling slightly below the shoulders.  She was thin and an inch, probably two inches shorter than me.  Or more.  Caucasian.  Her face was cute; thin, but not gaunt.  Maybe even calling it thin is too excessive.  I don't know anything about facial structures.  I just know her cheeks weren't puffed or that she had a round complexion or anything.  I'm probably making it worse.

The expression she held...well, I'm a guy so there's only so much I can understand.  That and I'm not looking into people's faces most of the time.  No experience reading them.  She looked like an introvert.  That's all I can say with confidence.

"Hey, do you want to dance with her?"  The person who initially grabbed my arm asked the question.  The other boy looked on.  The girl just stood there looking up to me from three to four feet away.  Nothing on her face told me whether or not...well, who knows.  She looked timid (using that word again).  The boy probably pulled me over because I was walking through without a partner.

I certainly didn't arrive with the intent to dance, and I wasn't prepared to suddenly change my mind about leaving so I shake my head and say somewhat loudly, "No thanks."  I had to say it twice because he was still asking, "Do you want to dance?" so I probably wasn't heard the first time over all the noise.  I should have accepted.  Looking back on it I feel sorry for her; maybe she was supposed to go with someone and he never showed up.

I wonder how she's faring.  I wonder how people from childhood are faring.